doubt full (2.16pm)

today i am attacked by doubt.  it has filled my eyes and ears and throat to the point of there is nothing else.

it is an oversized bedsheet you crawled under as a child, unable to find the end to escape.

it is a stomach sinking feeling when the pages on the test go further than the time left on the clock.

it is  have-let down-given up-not-finished-what-you-started-lost-something-of-value knowing.

doubting i can handle my husband’s here but goneness while his plate is heaped high with outside of the normal responsibilities and worries.

doubting the love i have for my children will show through the do this and remember that and get it right because i am anxious and stretched thin and tight and i cannot seem to stop it from spilling out on to you.

doubting the seasons i hope for are meant for this my one life.

doubting my words carry meaning. my selfish will ever truly be selfless. wondering if  belief in a calling is really just a way of stamping my own passport.

i am doubt full.

but i am waiting for my shield. for the lifter of my head. for him to say  look at me.

 

 

“but you, o lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the one who lifts my head.”

psalm 3:3 (NASB)

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6 thoughts on “doubt full (2.16pm)

  1. We’ve all been there. Doubt full. Thank God he is always there also.
    I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, Psalm 16:8-9

  2. My heart is heavy for you on reading this….because it shares the burden of being doubt full. I half wish I could not relate to this post (some similar doubts, other different), but then, where would the empathy be, the “hang in there, i know the feeling”. Shared emotions deepen the bonds of friendship, encourages us to support each other, helps us to accept that we are all human and all go through times like this. But just opening up to us about your doubts, to me, shows that you are aware of them and are already lifting your head up to look at Him. Big hug!!

    • silke, i love everything you said here.and it’s all so true. and i appreciate that you would know that after all that i would be lifting my head. mwah. love you girl.

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