today i am attacked by doubt. it has filled my eyes and ears and throat to the point of there is nothing else.
it is an oversized bedsheet you crawled under as a child, unable to find the end to escape.
it is a stomach sinking feeling when the pages on the test go further than the time left on the clock.
it is have-let down-given up-not-finished-what-you-started-lost-something-of-value knowing.
doubting i can handle my husband’s here but goneness while his plate is heaped high with outside of the normal responsibilities and worries.
doubting the love i have for my children will show through the do this and remember that and get it right because i am anxious and stretched thin and tight and i cannot seem to stop it from spilling out on to you.
doubting the seasons i hope for are meant for this my one life.
doubting my words carry meaning. my selfish will ever truly be selfless. wondering if belief in a calling is really just a way of stamping my own passport.
i am doubt full.
but i am waiting for my shield. for the lifter of my head. for him to say look at me.
“but you, o lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the one who lifts my head.”
psalm 3:3 (NASB)