i remember being home two days from the hospital after giving birth to now eleven years alive R. i laid on my bed curled up in a ball crying so hard it hurt my whole being. and i asked god to take her back. because i couldn’t do this. i couldn’t be responsible for another life, for the rest of my life. i couldn’t be less self and full of nurture. i asked god to take her back to heaven…
i remember the day i understood that i might never get to go home again. ever. that a country and culture that had only ever felt ill-fitting, like someone else’s bed—-might be the only home i got to have. i couldn’t do this. find life in what felt imprisoning. i wanted the smell, taste and feel of a place that was in my heart and skin and soul. i asked god desperately to bring my life full circle. to bring me home….
i remember thirteen years ago…a few months after marrying M i realized this was forever. i couldn’t do this. for as long as i had breath in my lungs to breath, wake up and set myself aside for the love of another person as flawed as i was. how could i love someone this much and be so bad at it. i wanted to take back the promises. i asked god to unbind me from the contract…
i remember more than twenty years ago, my no being overrun and the closed doors of my body being pushed through. and i looked in the mirror and who i was became less than. i couldn’t do this. i couldn’t find my whole worth again. i asked god for true love but took anything that would fill the space, not believing i was worth the answer.
….but god has answered. over and over he has answered. there is:
no question that grace cannot answer.
no doubt that truth cannot undo.
no place that peace cannot find.
no rebuilding that he leaves unfinished.
no need for healing that is beyond his reach.
“i love you, o lord, my strength.”
the lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my god, my rock, in whom i take refuge;
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
i call upon the lord, who is worthy to be praised…