i have forgiven.
i have thrown it over a wall built brick by brick of this will never happen to me again.
forgiveness warily passed over/under the links of chain on my door so that i can have certain before i let life back in.
forgiveness retrieved for others as i hunch over a combination lock that is me counting only on me.
forgiveness i want to hand over…
it has been handed to me without counting and i have felt the weight-less of not keeping it to myself.
…but it has to get past hurt.
hurt is my monster under the bed, face at the window, what is that noise?
hurt is that ocean’s wave grasping sometimes only a part but pushing all of me down hard into sand, knocking breath out of body, turning me directionless. i am left crawling into belief that life is best sat out of waiting on the shore.
i am afraid of hurt. how big it can be. the broken it can leave behind. i want to pull protection over my head…. not move ’til it passes.
and then god whispers.
“do not call to mind the former things,
or ponder things of the past.
“behold, i will do something new,
now it will spring forth;
will you not be aware of it?
i will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert.” isaiah 43:18,19(NASB)
and heaven takes hold of my hurt. and i am set free.