hyphenated (10.27am)

thirteen years ago i told M i would like to keep my surname, scorza.  he responded with the perfect answer—and meant it.  “what matters is the marriage, not what we name it.”    i tumbled reasons for my wanting to keep hold around in my mind and settled on: twenty-six years of wearing it, a small but mattering circle of recognition and a fear of losing me in us.

it took years for me to relax into sobieski.  to stop pulling at the collar of it, tugging at the hem, shifting to find the right feel.

it felt like a name tag for identification, not who i was. like an adding on, not a becoming.

while i didn’t offer up the mouthful of my last name at introductions, i made sure that pen on paper and fingers on key included it as a declaration.

my flag flying. independence.

if i didn’t keep the name scorza, it felt like cutting a needed tether to my experiences, my past, my who i am. i didn’t want to give up me. what if the about me i loved and was proud of disappeared in him. what if there was no evidence of me before us?

i wanted to live next to…..not abide in.

yesterday, at a beautiful, full of love written down wedding, tears pricked me at L’s eagerness to take on her husband K’s name. she made repeated, joyous declaration of that new name after promises made and rings slipped onto expectant fingers. hearts sewn together with vows before god.

for me sobieski has become a name holding two lives blended into one working heart beat.  the place i feel safe in my growing pains and flat on face failures. it has been secure in the sorting of what i carried with me and what i no longer wanted to bear the weight of. it has held the planting and growing and blooming of two children and made room for a third.

it has been witness to me becoming me. it is the applause of who i am….not a diluting. scorza is wrapped up in it, but i no longer hold my name out like a weapon to war against disappearing.

when i began a relationship with jesus i spent many years trying to make sure i was not lost in him…that my flag was hoisted, that my name showed too.  

i fumbled with the fit of wearing his name and sometimes slipped the folded sticker into my pocket, not quite wanting him to be the one remembered.  but he kept me close while i grew and settled into this sweeter, fuller abiding.

He brought me to His banqueting table,
His banner over me is love.
His banner over me is love,
His banner over me is love.

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine,
His banner over me is love.
His banner over me is love,
His banner over me is love.

Jesus is the rock of my salvation,
His banner over me is love.
His banner over me is love,
His banner over me is love.

(childhood song based on song of solomon 2)


3 thoughts on “hyphenated (10.27am)

  1. thanks Kris; I wonder too why I am not using my fathers name, my surname is my grandfather’s…my dad wants me to use his father’s name! I have my given name, grandpa’s, a christian name & a confirmation name, that’s four altogether. thank you dad, I am blessed.

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