keeping score (8.46am)

sometimes i feel owed a making right.  my heart hardens and fills with bitterness. it seeps in from every direction.

you shouldn’t have

done that,

said that,

been that.

i want to change the score. not just for my win, but sometimes i want to hand out loss. to take away or take back because i feel cut into pieces and maybe hurting back will be band aids.

or i want an even-ing. a good for you but not too far ahead of me. not til wrong is spelled right. the sharpness of my shallow nicks my conscience but i am still hard. still against forgiving.

anger is this grenade and my finger is loose on the clip.  my flesh overrides spirit and i want to blow up the bridge between me and letting go.

the other side seems too far and not worth the setting down of this weight that….

falsely feels like strength. right. just.

god reaches in with softening. i slap at his hands with don’t-make-me-i’m-not-ready-i-don’t-want-to.

he keeps pressing in and the light starts to come through cracks in my hard. and i remember the soft of  letting go. the free of erasing the numbers.

let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as god in christ also has forgiven you.

ephesians 4. 31-32 (NASB)

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11.28.12

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7 thoughts on “keeping score (8.46am)

  1. Kris alias Toots, I appreciate your open page about “the inner struggle”….and I love and respect the way you work through it with honesty before God.

  2. I like the way NToro puts it into perspective…couldn’t have said it better myself! :) Thanks so much kris! huge hug

  3. i can definitely relate to this! but i have found that generally the party we feel we are owed by is oblivious of our hurt and would even plead ignorance of any wrongdoing if confronted. holding the bitterness festers and only hurts me – not the other party. there is no purpose in hanging on, keeping score in the long-term. (in the short-term i have on occasion found the need to cling on to it a bit like clinging to a life-raft, because the anger/resentment is a step up from, a ‘feeling more alive’, than the despair and utter hopelessness of depression that the ‘thing done to me’ caused in the first place.)

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