stop and go (5.58am)

i run in the ending dark of first morning. four times around a circled street nearby. an entire stop sign until two miles waves the flag.

S T O P

the letters are my starting and at each coming around again, i whisper to myself strung together words that help put one foot in front of other.

stop means go. stop means go. stop means go…

some days the backwards of it is a reminder to my heart that it is the same for my god.

stop means go. he is not subject to limitation.

stop

now dark has swallowed morning whole in this season and i have not run in weeks. those words have slipped past my mind until today.

today when everything i want to do and be seems to be growing larger while i shrink.

today when i feel no room to take any of ahead in.

today when i am shutting down...not starting up…not passing through…not coming over.

stop is stopping me.  and i am whispering…

 

and he said, “o lord, the god of our fathers, are you not god in the heavens? and are you not ruler over all the kingdoms of the nations? power and might are in your hand so that no one can stand against you.

2 chronicles 20.6 (NASB)

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2 thoughts on “stop and go (5.58am)

  1. The darkness of winter is hard for me too. The dogs awake at 5, it is pitch black, they want breakfast and outside…….I am just beginning to get into deep sleep……I wake and fumble for shoes, robe, and go to the cupboard and begin to measure out kibble, dry first then two fish oil capsules and 1 brewers yeast tablet…..now turn on the faucet to get hot water. Retrieve peas and carrots from the fridge and scoop out 2 tablespoons for each dog…..place in colander and let hot water run over the veggies…….are my eyes still closed……mostly. Scoop veggies into each bowl, drizzle a little hot water in then stir. Go open gate to dog’s room, out come warm happy and hungry wiggle butts eager for the morning and hungry. Do I really have to go outside with you two? I want my still warm bed back around me. Yes, I must go out and circle the big wooded yard twice saying “go potty, go potty”…….it is so dark, wet, uninviting. I take my time because I do not want any mistakes in the house. Ah…..it is still dark and the dogs are glad to come in and curl back up until the light creeps slowly in, not brightly but like a fog. I love rain, I like the change of seasons, I do not like the long nights and very short days. Christmas is hard…….each year gets less and less. The pressure does not warm my spirit, the gift of the Son does. I try to remember that He is the sun for my day and the reason to celebrate. I am just me and it is never my favorite time of year……..I yearn for it to be over so that I can relax and look forward. I understand the feeling of shrinking while the need and expectations grow huge. The overwhelming sense of never meeting the challenge. I ask for His encouragement…….it is there in the pages, all through the words…….hope springs again in my heart……….this is just today, tomorrow will come and again He will walk with me with reassurance that I am not by myself………Kris, your thoughts today touched me…..hugs and love to you……you are not alone.

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