home base: motherhood (8.50pm)

there is one thing second to losing a child. it is losing a mother.  last night a friend told me of a life unexpectedly lost and the children left behind and our hearts shared brokenness over the phone. because we both know what is gone.

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every day my children bump into me, press against me, lean in closer, veer towards me while walking. touch, hold, crawl on to. some days i think i will come out of my skin from it.  other days i am brought to my knees by what i am to them and can only beg god to keep me here longer.

because underneath every flaw and shortcoming i am this to my children:

i am the taker in of all and endless, “we should” and “did you know” and “so and so says” and “i have an idea” and “can i can you can we”

i am love on repeat and shuffle and even with scratches and wear my love plays clearly.

i am you are beautiful and smart and strong and the best i know, and it is always truth.

i am the truth decider. the last piece divider.  i am the endlessly in love with what you made me because i am endlessly in love with you.

i am where you want to get back to when the world feels too big and too hard breaks off pieces of you.

i am homemade and store-bought and everything in between.

i am unleaded and high octane and even diesel if needed.

i am the rubber of tummies and back scratcher. i know fever at a touch and never stay out of the sick room.

i am the back up drive for childhood memories.  the savior of forgotten lunches and permission slips.

i am the stage manager and the audience.

i am the decider of quiet or loud. inside or out. now or later. keep going or time to stop.

i am the boundaries, the referee, the umpire, the ball boy. the target that guarantees a bulls-eye.

i am made of soft and welcome.  nest builder.

i am home base. i am safe. the run is over. you can rest here between turns.

i am the dropper of bread crumbs to find your way home. i am the goodnight before dreams and the welcome to brand new day.

i am their world until they are ready for THE world.

i am mom.

homebasemotherhood

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for amie.

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