when i was in my teens i planned to record a message to each person i loved. to be played at my funeral. at the end. because yes, i wanted the last word. and i wanted them to walk away from saying goodbye with what they meant to me drifting through their thoughts.
but i don’t want to only store up love and regard and gratefulness to be poured out in celebration at the finish line. i want to hand it as refreshment in the middle of races being run. i don’t want to wait to tell your place in my life and heart. i want the i love yous and what you mean to me and the difference you made to be said sooner than later.
i want to tell you that i light up from the inside when i see your name on my phone. that all of me anticipates the laughter and honest words that are coming.
i want to tell you that when you told me god is big enough to take my biggest anger and still love me, that you changed my life forever.
i want to tell you that when you loved me enough to pray for me to be your wife it meant the world to me and on the other side of no, there is peace in the different directions.
i want to tell you that if i could look like anyone other than me, it would be you.
i want to tell you that when you told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. to be grateful for the great parents i had. i did.
i want to tell you that how loud and wholeheartedly you sing in church makes me proud.
i want to tell you that the purpose-full you are in living life, seeps into mine inviting try harder.
i want to tell you that treating me like i could be an athlete, didn’t make it so, but made me feel worth more for a life time.
i want to tell you that the way you fill my stocking with only imported things writes love down.
i want to tell you that the pictures you take are like pieces of the world wrapped up in ribbons and bows and made into gifts.
i want to tell you that the blue aerogrammed letters of my childhood are like pieces of gold that i sift through, feeling the weight of love in them.
i want to tell you that your boldness in speaking truth, gives me butterflies in my tummy while pride seeps into my heart.
i want to tell you that every extra race you put me in for Sports Day made me sick to my stomach. but i would do it again because you were my hero.
i want to tell you that when you write…my whole self moves and shifts from the weight and meaning of it.
i want to tell you that every late night cup of milo with-milk-cause-its-got-more-love-in-it-that-way was like x’s and o’s.
i want to tell you that the hardest road we walked together was worth every step. that i am the better for it.
i want to tell you. not just in the end. all along the way.
in honor of Ed Swanson’s life and all he meant to the ones who loved him. xo.