i was handed an american express card at 18. there was no limit if paid in full at month end beckoning. i was free to take, free to give, free to sign my name to trusting debt without knowing the size of it’s swell.
like walking into ocean, i felt in control of upright until shelf met slope and i was flailing. wisdom was a half globe away and culture pressured to blend in and partake. i did everything to survive rising water but make my way to the shore. shame crept into the conversation and covered my thinking. i could not raise hands for rescue.
three times i went under. three times i was pulled onto sand by love and commitment. twice pulled back into depth by fear of less, fear of waiting, fear of no other way.
and this boy. the one who chose me every day while he became a man and still points to me first. he swam out for me when he had played no part in my deeper and deeper.
and he drew lines in the sand and forgave me when i didn’t trust them. when i resented and ignored and pushed against him with hard. and he drew lines again and again until i saw they were safety not prison.
and i signed my name to freedom.
” all things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. all things are lawful for me, but i will not be mastered by anything.”
1 corinthians 6:12 (NASB)
photo courtesy of m. woodward