in flight home from my ten year high school reunion on hawaii’s shore, my feet swelled for the first time in twenty eight years of cessna to jumbo jet travel. and i knew. M had guessed too, in the way he often reads me before i turn first page.
when plastic predictor told me R was on her way i: said s**t, smoked my last cigarette and trembled inside at the huge of it. M gifted me a baby nested in mother necklace that proved his guessing. her arriving was an every moment vivid earthquake and i am forever grateful for the point of no return.
i do not remember D’s coming into this world. four months after a part not of me was cut out. months of to-my-knees pain and pills to hold it back recorded over his entrance. but stretching to contain him left proof on my body and he is so fully in my story and so big in my everyday… it makes no difference.
i knew that C had entered into my heart when thirty-five minutes of nowhere to be found in short distance between school and home left me soaked from tears and angry to raise voice hard at him when finally found. i had come to hold him close enough that thought of losing hurt big.
for some god comes in to their life with blinding light and startling realization that this is for real. for keeps.
for some, they cannot quite remember the beginning but his presence makes the greatest impact daily. the now is vivid.
for some it is subtle filling up to contentment’s level in the joining. arrival finally embraced with whole heart.