push me pull you (10.20am)

years ago, the need to go home became so deeply settled in me that i could think of little else. i needed air that tasted of grass burning. my skin needed to drink in ocean and equator’s cocktail. i needed to hear language that still lived in my heart and made cameos in my conversation.

pushmepullyou1

i tried to press on to M the huge of it. i found sometimes huge can only be yours. he was willing but as always, when time and money matched. i was not looking for matching. i wanted to put puzzle pieces together, not caring if barely there spaces between showed the wrong fit.

i pushed and pulled at M and he took the place of a god who seemed to be ignoring my heart’s desires piled up at his feet.

not handing over yeses became less love and i railed against M’s steadfast because my heart hurt and child in me had taken over. i was pendulum from hints to hissy fits and this man who knows me inside out stood strong accepting heart bruises that had no place.

pushmepullyou2

finally i finished with what should have come first and opened clenched fists.  handed my scraps of wanting and hoping over to the one big enough to take it all in.  the god whose faithfulness was not tied to the back and forth of my understanding. the god whom i placed M in front of to secure my wanting.

after remembering his words and setting down my trying to make, i waited to see what god would build. it was at a different time, in a different shape. a journey made best by allowing for the path maker to make way for it.

and the home-going i was reaching for was at it’s fullest because i had not pulled the cup away in the middle of his slow and steady pouring out.

pushmepullyou3

trust in the lord, and do good;
    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
delight yourself in the lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 psalm 37:3-4 (ESV)

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14 thoughts on “push me pull you (10.20am)

  1. So, so good! God’s timing is always, ALWAYS perfect. I wish that the lesson of years and testimony of time would cast itself in my everyday perceptions to prevent the continual struggles to schedule life MY way. Reminders such as this post serve to reinforce in me what I should already know, and that is to trust in Him and HIS timing – in ALL things!

  2. This brings tears, Kris, as I echo your thoughts and as I look at those maps which are SO home to my heart. God is working out the details right now for a return for me in 2014 – the first since I graduated UHS in 86. My heart is full. =)

  3. Pushmepullyou…yep, I too thought immediately of Dr Doolittle. I thought that animal was fab! :-)

    It’s interesting to me to read this. I have never felt this longing, craving to go back to PNG. As my childhood home it will forever hold a very, very special part of my heart. It’s what formed me into the person I am. But in the 6 months between finishing high school and leaving I said my goodbyes, made preparations to close that chapter of my life. And I was okay with that, okay with leaving and moving on to the next chapter. I only went back once after 3 years, but it wasn’t “home” anymore. There are aspects that I miss, yes, but I’m whole without having to go back. I don’t rule out visiting again, but I don’t know when and if that will come about.

    I know that I’m quite unique in having this relationship with PNG and my birth country/childhood home…but that’s me. ;-)

    • the push-me-pull-you was my favorite! i remember thinking how amazing to be able go in two different directions. not sure what that says about me….. LOL

  4. i love that about you S! i know MKs who are peaceful and settled wherever they are. i think i am exactly both if that makes sense. M is that way. there is nothing about his past that tugs at him. i used to think it was wrong! lol. until i grew up a little more. :) now i am grateful for it. xo

  5. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and
    gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She
    placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was
    a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!
    LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

  6. Se você não está consumindo a quantidade ideal e tipo
    de ácidos gordurosos saudáveis que contribuem à saúde em general, a palma
    anã americana pode servir como um suplemento adicional para
    isso.

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