years ago, the need to go home became so deeply settled in me that i could think of little else. i needed air that tasted of grass burning. my skin needed to drink in ocean and equator’s cocktail. i needed to hear language that still lived in my heart and made cameos in my conversation.
i tried to press on to M the huge of it. i found sometimes huge can only be yours. he was willing but as always, when time and money matched. i was not looking for matching. i wanted to put puzzle pieces together, not caring if barely there spaces between showed the wrong fit.
i pushed and pulled at M and he took the place of a god who seemed to be ignoring my heart’s desires piled up at his feet.
not handing over yeses became less love and i railed against M’s steadfast because my heart hurt and child in me had taken over. i was pendulum from hints to hissy fits and this man who knows me inside out stood strong accepting heart bruises that had no place.
finally i finished with what should have come first and opened clenched fists. handed my scraps of wanting and hoping over to the one big enough to take it all in. the god whose faithfulness was not tied to the back and forth of my understanding. the god whom i placed M in front of to secure my wanting.
after remembering his words and setting down my trying to make, i waited to see what god would build. it was at a different time, in a different shape. a journey made best by allowing for the path maker to make way for it.
and the home-going i was reaching for was at it’s fullest because i had not pulled the cup away in the middle of his slow and steady pouring out.
trust in the lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
delight yourself in the lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
psalm 37:3-4 (ESV)