grieving good (11.32am)

when C came into my life at ten turning eleven, it felt like a rescue. boy drowning in loss and chaos. a life held hostage at nine years alive by his mother’s death demanded doing something.

with god opened hearts and grace-wrapped persistence, we had gently pushed to make his home in ours for almost a year.  only knowing it seemed best fit for young boy to be ushered through life’s days with others young still. seeing need for parents already in life’s season of raising.

when door opened in way unexpected but clear, there was no hesitation in welcome.

months of staying became living and we were given the rights of guardian by ink on paper. soon after came true understanding.  this boy whose life i had insisted would be best lived out in the midst of mine, was forever.

and my heart needed time to accept rearranged place settings. to add to already sketched dreams.  all of my future imaginings held a matched set of four and they needed to be drawn again in heart and mind to show a family changed forever.

there was no thought of going back. but there was grief in the setting down of expectation. grief in the taking apart of penciled in plans to include fifth in all.

i was gifted with grace given by those standing close enough to know the whole of  my heart.  this wasn’t grief that didn’t want, but grief in the letting go.

taking steps back from seeming perfectly placed to make room for god’s adding to.

and the good of god’s making now outshines the good imagined.

the number four no longer slips in when counting out plates and glasses. my heart and mind ready with the answer five and would not make it less.



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