growing up with dependence on giving of others left room for a clear view of faith. grew tendrils of god’s faithfulness to be deeply rooted in my life. because for every not going to make it there were a hundred miracles of just-enough-exactly-when-right-before-running-out.
sometimes in end of the month seasons our need seems to outweigh god’s big and small providing.
when healing is long or not in the coming.
when suffering is an inescapable breathing in and out.
when our giving is lifeless because we ourselves are in need of resuscitation.
when the door we have laid our hopes in front of only stays closed.
when our children’s asking is over and over met with no and we turn to our own father, wondering at the lack of yes.
i cannot answer why god is sometimes the roaring lion rescuer, sometimes the sacrificed lamb. why aslan leaves narnia to a season of decay…
but i do know that even at end of the month who he is does not change. and that he whispers his presence and promises into our feels empty pockets and feels empty hearts and feels empty lives.
i do not always keep my children from feeling loss and want and hurt. i have seen the grace that grows and the shaping that comes when comfort is lost in the heat of life’s struggles and without. and i have seen the glory rightly handed over when love wraps them in comfort full to the brim.
today there is no poetry in me but peace is mine for the asking. peace in god’s presence and keeping.
for no matter how many promises god has made, they are “yes” in christ. and so through him the “amen” is spoken by us to the glory of god. now it is god who makes both us and you stand firm in christ. he anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
2 corinthians 1:20-22 (NIV)
there is this scene
buying groceries in fits and starts
how i grew up
end of month reached
walk with god in fits and starts.
waiting for the path to be clear before i lift my foot to move forward
growing up a missionary