airbag (6.03am)

i got the call and found him chalk-skinned and shaking. regret dripping down his face.

anger exploded to my defense. keeping not-now-not-like-this-please-lord fear pinned against the seat.

i demanded payment in information and the list of pills was shaken out onto the floor between us. i drove with barely on the road attention. the loud of my voice insisting he stay awake…hitting at him with harsh words to keep him with me.  to keep tears checked.

airbag1

we stumbled through wide sliding glass doors and i had to say it out loud. suicide attempted. like an everest climb. attempted. but this the only time failure wins.

shame stirred it’s cloudy self into me at the speaking. that whoever i was, my love not enough to stop him opening the door labeled death to escape here and now.

they ushered him away with too much kindness for me to take in without tears and i stepped outside to tighten my face and lace up my fear so it would not trip me up in my pacing.

airbag3

and i waited. waited with anger still full blown and pressed tightly to me. i kept anger between us because it seemed a more solid something to lean against.

his family came and i waited. waited until the worst possibility had dried up completely and we were left only with clothes stiffened from the soaking.  his in plastic bag for returning. mine still clinging to me full of helpless.

gathering up all i had taken in, i walked along stained and cigarette butted sidewalk to car. finally in the middle of safe again—-protection of my airbag anger deflated. and i crumpled into after. tears freed to flood.

bruised not broken,  i thanked god for the yes and began limping toward forgiveness.

airbag2

 

the lord your god is with you,
the mighty warrior who saves.
he will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.

zephaniah 3.17 (NIV)

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5 thoughts on “airbag (6.03am)

  1. ‘AIRBAG’, fascinating blog, why it was meant to be. thank you Kris, had a good laugh…love it.

  2. This doesn’t happen often… (like, almost ever) but I am without words here! So powerful and beautiful and stirring! I love your wording… and that verse? One of my favorites! Visiting from our (In)couragingWriters group!

  3. Wow. I agree with Karrilee … speechless. The descriptive beauty of your account is incredible, and yet I am so, so sorry that you’ve had to endure this experience, and now the memory. Thank you for opening your heart to share … may it be a blessing and a challenge to many.

  4. Visiting from our (in)courage group. Your writing is gripping but I am so sorry that you had to endure such pain. Something similar has happened to me so I can definitely relate. Especially to that feeling of helplessness and not being enough.

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