sometimes i am spitting pebbles of thanks between lips pressed down to hold back my complaints which feel big like boulders. let out they flatten me into so much less than i want to be.
sometimes i giving birth push thankful out of my heart. eyes closed to ignore the laboring pain of is it worth it? will it work?
will it FREE me?
will it make me DIFFERENT?
will it OPEN me to a god i am sometimes wanting to close doors to because he LOVES me too much for belief in my worth to take in?
will thanks take my army duffel sized regret and tear off baggage claim stickers so i can walk away without being the owner of it?
i am looking for anything worth thank you and some things are worth too much for this harder moment. three different heartbeats mine to listen to. love that stays. these are always good without saying, separate from my struggle.
it is me i am wrestling with. me i am looking at with no sure of thankful to be found.
and these words are tear damp and that is all i can speak thankful.
that god gifts them to me and makes enough so i can share. and someone, somewhere whispers needing them too.
it hurts to say and relieves to say.
forces my feet to touch ground. then lifts me enough to see past myself.
whole is coming for me and thanks is flashlight beam glimpse of it.
in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 thessalonians 5.18
for tim t. who shares his flashlight daily.