spitting thanks (8.58am)

sometimes i am spitting pebbles of thanks between lips pressed down to hold back my complaints which feel big like boulders. let out they flatten me into so much less than i want to be.

sometimes i giving birth push thankful out of my heart. eyes closed to ignore the laboring pain of is it worth it?  will it work?

will it FREE me?

will it make me DIFFERENT?

will it OPEN me to a god i am sometimes wanting to close doors to because he LOVES me too much for belief in my worth to take in?

will thanks take my army duffel sized regret and tear off baggage claim stickers so i can walk away without being the owner of it?

i am looking for anything worth thank you and some things are worth too much for this harder moment.  three different heartbeats mine to listen to.  love that stays. these are always good without saying, separate from my struggle.

it is me i am wrestling with.  me i am looking at with no sure of thankful to be found.

and these words are tear damp and that is all i can speak thankful.

words.

that god gifts them to me and makes enough so i can share.  and someone, somewhere whispers needing them too.

thank you.

it hurts to say and relieves to say.

forces my feet to touch ground. then lifts me enough to see past myself.

to whole.

whole is coming for me and thanks is flashlight beam glimpse of it.

spittingthanks

in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 thessalonians 5.18

____________________________________________________

for tim t. who shares his flashlight daily.

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2 thoughts on “spitting thanks (8.58am)

  1. Yes!!! So important and so worth it, even when it is hard! You know me. You know I work hard at this every day. And sometimes it is a struggle. But it is sooooo important! Proud of you! You go girl!

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