buried (7.33am)

last year i lost my still very-much-alive mum’s wedding ring in an impossible place. a school fifty-two miles from home.  hot dusty bleachers, graveled ground and grassy, trampled on fields…it was  gone.

when i realized too far away to turn back,  my heart heavied to sinking. the value of it—-my mother’s hands,  a place in my memory’s background. the day after i walked with visitor’s badge next to a name tagged stranger. looking down. hoping hard.

she saw it. almost buried. a glint. a finding. i cried relief and kept it close.

two days ago someone broke open in front of me and handed over every lie they had hidden behind okay-yes-i-did-it’s-the-truth and more. they kept coming like stinging pebbles, rocks big enough to break. thrown onto my heart until it hardened.

anger and surprise turned me in circles and i was left facing away.

i sat next to the piling on and told god i did not want to turn around. i wanted to leave my heart almost buried under the weight of it.  i had no care for the finding. my trust and love had been stoned with what felt like you don’t matter. i don’t love you. i am against you. what you knew–isn’t true.

then truth began to speak louder than my condemning. louder than my unforgiving. to remind me of  this one’s lost sight of worth. his belief that choosing wrong leads to love-less so hiding is best. to remind me he is treasure worth going any distance for.

and finally i saw it. a glint. a finding. truth dug for my heart under stones i could have thrown back to mirror my hurt.

it uncovered mercy and grace. always there because i am always receiving it. 

i held them close.